Tips for living with a non-dude

As my fans know, about 7 months ago I moved in with @alison, the most awesome person ever. But her awesomeness notwithstanding, it has been an adjustment living with a non-dude. Since I was 18, I've lived with just dudes (yes jon, that includes you lol). It was a great time. When I lived with Steve and Sagar, we used to play poker and have kick-offs (where Sagar and I would run around the house and practice karate kicks). Living with Milhouse and Torre taught me to fend off a semi feral cat, as well as plenty of germs. We also had awesome interior design (eg the Alf for President poster). Living with Jon and Mikey was tight because we had an extra room for all our stuff (mostly their trendy clothing). And the pinecone is legendary and a perfect habitat for dudes. After several moves in Arlington and a good spell at Dude Manor with Jon, I moved in with @alison, and i've learned a lot about civilization and non-dude living. Since even Milk will probably some day live with a chick, I think it's useful to pass on some of the lessons i've learned about harmonous inter-gender life.

1) Clothing, whether clean or dirty, must be kept seperately, preferably in some sort of enclosed space, such as a drawer. When i first moved in with @alison, I didn't have a dressor. I'd hang up my work shirts, but generally I could tell if something was clean or dirty by some sort of special sense (maybe smell, idk). Well, after a week of that system, Alison was having none of it. So, i bought an old dresser from Ion, my Romanian colleague. Now I keep my clean clothes in these drawers, and it helps me seperate things, like dark socks and underwear. Sorting clean clothes is a step, but it's not enough. It's maybe more important to hide dirty clothes. I used to have a little laundry basket that i kept for show, though mostly i just left laundry strewn about wily nily. Unfortunately this system did not contain odors. Alison has taught me that my odors are houdini-esque, meaning that they'll escape if uncontained. So, i bought something called a "hamper", which like a grill has a lid, but instead of cooking meat you put your dirty clothes in there. It makes it a bit harder to do laundry, since i have to lift the lid and move things in a pile to the washingmachine, but apparently it makes the apt smell better (idk, but whatevs). Oh yeah, and also, when doing laundry, it is important to clean out the lint from the dryer and to put in a dryer sheet.

2) Cleaning the dishes is also more complicated. After you clean them, you have to 1) Let them dry, and most importantly 2) Wring out the sponge. Sponges can soak in odors and germs, but even though they only cost a dollar, it is important that they last long. So now i always try to remember to squeeze it out. Also, only certain sponges are acceptable for non-stick pans. Speaking of non-stick pans, apparently you can't use silverware on these, but instead you must treat a special spoon in essense of apricot palm oil before you can put it in the non-stick pan. Even when you use the specially treated delicate non-stick pan ladle, you're suppossed to immediately wrap the non-stick pan in silk and softly sing lullabies to it. Only then will the non-stick pans retain their beauty and innocence.

3) Falling asleep with a twitter-machine on one's chest makes it so the bedroom isn't dark enough to sleep. It is important to turn off one's twitter-machine before going to sleep.

4) Even though everyone will eventually open all the cupboards anyway, it is important to close them after each use.

5) Towels are person-specific, and must be washed. These points are related, and really baffle me, but i've accepted them. To most dudes, it is illogical to care what towel to use unless it is decor.ated with a jayhawk or other cool mythical creature. I mean, one only uses the towel to dry off after a shower, so obvi it's clean, so who cares who uses it, and there's no need to wash it. Well, i'll tell you who cares--a non-dude. Even after a shower, a person can still transmit ickyness to a towel, so they need to be washed every few days, and should not be shared amongst roomates.

6) Shaving doesn't end when one's face is as smooth as joel's. In fact, shaving creates little whiskers that, like sand, get everywhere. The most obvious solution is to just wipe them onto the floor and kind of kick them around so they spread out, but non-dudes have a special sense for detecting stray whiskers (it's kind of like "smell" but a bit different). So, it is important that one follows shaving with a thorough wipe down of the sink, or else just shave in the shower.

7) Similar to whiskers, non-dudes are very sensitive about fingernails and toenails. I don't really understand why these things suddenly become gross just because they've been disconnected from my body (i mean, my hands aren't gross, even though they've got fingernails on them, but suddenly i trim those fingernails and all the sudden they're gross?). But anyway, it is important to trim your nails over a trash can, and to look for any escapees. And if you're like me and hate trimming your toenails (i can barely breath when i try to reach them lol), then you should sleep with socks on so as to protect your partner.

Well fans if you follow the above advice, you'll have an awesome relationship and only argue about what's for dinner (hint: not pizza if you've had it 2 nights in a row).