Cool Dad Chronicles: Raising A Large Son with Facts, Logic, and REason

 

A lot has changed since my last blog post (but not my CPAP filter lol), including the birth of my large son Arthur. He’s almost a year old and has the head circumference of a hefty toddler, so its past time I start chronicling my efforts to be a “cool dad." Part of being a parent is being flexible, so I’m not going to conform to any format or style, but will probably just write about fun stuff Arthur and I do and maybe offer some tips for my fans who are or may become parents.  

“Some rise at dawn to face tha day. Leaders rise before dawn to shape it.” 

"Some rise at dawn to face tha day. Leaders rise before dawn to shape it." Such is a quote I made up and attributed to myself and Arthur’s Uncle Buffalo, who also rises early. I use this line to encourage Arthur to be a morning person like yours truly. We like to get up around 5:30-6 so we can get outside before its too hot. Arthur usually has breakfast in bed with his mom, then starts trying to climb out the window until I come get him. When we get downstairs, I point to my mug and tell him I’m drinking “covfefe.” As a baby, Arthur has no context, so I’m hoping he thinks that’s what its really called, which will be funny when he starts talking and people think he’s making a Drumpf reference.

With my covfefe in one hand and Arthur in the other, we step out onto the front stoop and start saying “Good morning,” to whatever is in my line of sight. I used to always start with “Good morning, Stump” because we had a stump in our yard, but we recently mulched that, so now we usually start with “Good morning, mulch pile.” We then say good morning to the no parking sign, the evergreen tree, Sturdy Gertie and Llamrei (our cars), the ADT sign, and the iron railing. Arthur likes to waive as we say good morning, and I am hoping that this practice helps him develop good “SitAw,” or situational awareness, which is important in networking tactics (e.g., identifying a bigwig to gladhand and navigating obstacles to get within range).

Arthur gets really excited if a bus drives by or somebody is out walking a dog. He also gets really excited for trash day. I like to think that’s because I’ve taught him that trash day is a time for reflection about the cycle of life, and a symbol of renewal, but it might be that he likes the noises and activity. We always waive to the trashmen as they go about their tasks, and their invariably friendly and give us big grins and waves. I was so moved recently by their friendliness and hard work that I wrote an email to the County Board Chair to compliment our garbagemen, who forwarded it on to the County Manager.  I am hoping that Arthur learns from the garbagemen how to be friendly while also working hard.

Twitter is what I got

I heard the Sublime song What I Got this morning, and it reminded me of twitter, so I changed the lyrics!

Early in the morning

Rising to the street

Fire me up my twitter machine

And I check out all the tweets

Got to check the updates

Updates for whats going on

Got to find the updates

And all the newest emoticons

I got a new iphone

And my feed never lies

I can see the latest news

When there’s a motherfucking riot

Twitter aint too short

140 characters is what you got

Cause you might get long-winded

Or you might use too many dots

Never type no static

I just get it off my chest

Never had a status

That was not my clever best

Take a small example

Take a tip from me

Use social media to raise money

For your favorite charity

Twitter is what I got

My phone’s in my reach

And the Amacian style’s

Still straight from Wescoe Beach

It all comes on your feed

Finna get what you deserve

Try and read my twitter

It’s bound to be absurd

Twitter’s what I got

IHNC about riots

You’ll feel it when

My dancing gets hot

Tweeting is what I got

I said remember that

Twitter is what I got

Twitter is what I got

I said tweet about that

Twitter is what I got

That’s why I don’t cry

When my dog runs away

I don’t get angry cause

Twitter don’t make me pay

I just send updates

When I'm feeling hot

Or open a bottle

Of some nice rolling rock

Tweeting, updating

It’s all the same

Livin with social media’s

The only way to stay sane

Let the tweeting,

Let the tweeting come back to me

Tweeting is what I got

I said remember that…

Amacare

I've really been tunin in to the healthy living lately, so I thought I'd review some of my adventures with the healthcare industry! I've shared a room with many of my fans, e.g., bunson in the pinecone basement.  And even if we haven't been roomates, odds are that I've fallen asleep on the floor/couch/chair or other such place in the room with most of you (e.g. that time I fell asleep on the floor before the pizza came and Joel used my face as a dipping sauce pan for his breadstix).  Just the other night I fell asleep on jon's floor and got lint all in my beard. So anyway, while @alison doesn't draw things on my forehead like some of my fans, after 27.9 years it was time to get a sleep study. Now, I didn't always realize that I had sleep problems.  I love dreaming, especially about swinging through the trees, so I usually try to bread as early as possible.  However, @alison has advised me that my sleep isn't as tight as it seems to me (get it--sleep tight?).  Though in my dreams I might be hooting and hollering on some simien adventure, in the waking world i was actually snoring like the dickens. Since we've been living together I've had three night-time rituals: 1. Fill a glass of water up to the tip-top, 2. Take my blood pressure pill, and 3. put on a nose schwangler to discourage mouthbreathing/snoring.  But, despite these efforts, I still sound like an overloaded freight train, and apparently wake myself up about as often as a train stops.  Turns out I rarely get more than a few minutes sleep without waking myself up from snoring, and I usually wake up around 5-6am and then can't get back to sleep. So I signed on for a sleep study.

I have class on Thursday nights til 8, so I scheduled the study for a thursday night.  It was up in Bethesda, MA, so I just drove str8 from class.  Since I'd been studying hard all afternoon, I didn't have time for dinner, so after I parked the car in a spooky, empty lot, I went over to Panera, which was the only place open at that ungodly hour.  I had a BLT, which was delicious, but also salty (prolly why I take the blood pressure pills).  Don't worry--this will be relevant later.  So I get to the place and fill out some forms and take stock of the other people getting studied--mostly overweight old dudes.  Suffice to say I could probably bench press more than all of them combined.  Since it was past 9, I promptly decided to hit the hay.  The "hay" here is a small room with a double bed.  A nurse followed me into the breadroom, and attached about a thousand wires to my body, from my head to my toes.  When I looked in the mirror I expected that all that electricity would make my hair stand up like Yahoo Serious. Alas I have no hair so I couldn't tell how those electrodes were affecting me.  As you might know, one of my greatest fears is waking up in the middle of the night with dry mouth and no water, and the salty dinner didn't help.  Normally I put a giant water cup on the nightstand (or two giant cups if i had pizza for dinner), but here they only had dixie cups, presumably for washing your mouth out after toothbrushing (for the record, the notion of dixie cups always baffles me--just drink from the faucet--but to each his own).  Being a resourceful guy, I did what Thomas Edison or a camel would do--fill up about 19 dixie cups and line them up on the night stand. The nurse gave me a look, so I went into a long digression about my fears of nighttime thirst until her eyes glazed over.  Finally, the nurse left, but then we had to test the system.  During a sleep study, they watch and listen to your every nocturnal move, so we had to test the camera and intercom.  So they had me count to five outloud while holding up my fingers. All was a go so i tried to fall asleep.  I went through about 10 dixie cups of water before i zonked, but next thing i knew i had to get up and use the facilities lol.  But I was so schwangled with wires, so i had to shout to the intercom lady to come unwire me.  It've been easier if I'd rolled pinecone style and smuggled an empty water bottle into the room, but i'm afraid the cameras would've caught me and it'd be a bit awkward. Anyway this story is getting out of control so i'll just say i eventually fell back asleep, woke up at 530, and drove home.  Results are pending.  Maybe I'll do an update when i hear how i did. My guess is they'll charge the insurance company $4,000 to tell me that i snore. But maybe they'll give me a darth vader mask, which would be pretty tight.

About a week after the sleep study, @alison and I had dental appointments.  Many of my long time fans will remember that I haven't always been too keen on the oral hygiene.  In my defense, I think I made appropriate health decisions--usually the bathroom at wherever I was living was pretty filthy, so I avoided some risk by eschewing the toothbrush.  But since I've been in DC I've upheld the highest dental standards--2x a day brushing, plus FLOSSING and mouthwash every night.  I mean I seriously go to town with the floss--its like search and destroy missions for plaque. But IRREGARDLESS I worry about the dentist.  AT @alison's insistence, I visited a dentist in August 2011, and he yelled at me a lot.  I'm a big fan of positive reinforcement, so the drill sergeant (get it--DRILL seargant) thing doesn't really work on me, and the guy charged me a bunch of money to make my mouth hurt.  He even tried to charge extra for local anethesia, and if there's one thing I hate worse than pain, it's spending money on non-happy-hour related expenses, so I only signed on for novacane for half of my mouth.  Oh boy was that a mistake, and ever since I've come up with all sorts of reasons to avoid the dentist.  But I've still flossed and mouthwashed every night (and obvi brushed).  But now that I'm on @alison's sweet insurance plan, I know I'll at least be able to write-off the novacane. So I reluctantly agreed to go see the dentist.

Alison assured me that I'd like her dentist.  She noted that he likes to hum nonsense songs, has a killer pony-tail, and often forgets what day it is.  In short, he's like me if I were a dentist and could grow a pony tail. As with most things, @alison was right.  Her dentist rules.  I knew I'd like him when we walked in to the office and the waiting room featured a magazine about the mental life of dogs ( i think the magazine was called Mental FLOSS...).  There's no receptionist at this office, so we just heard him in the back humming away and making tight jokes with his other patient.  He finished up with her, then came and checked us in all by himself (as opposed to with a receptionist).  In my experience, "going to the dentist" means going to the dental hygenist, who will yell at me about flossing, then the dentist who will chastize me about my gums, then the receptionist who will berate me about scheduling a follow up appointment.  Here, I knew that at worst I'd only have to put up with one person criticizing me.  But it turns out I didn't even have to deal with that.  After Alison had her teeth cleaned, he called me back.  I started humming Chopin's funeral march, but that was unnecesary.  He looked at my teeth and said, and I quote, "your teeth look pretty good" !!!! He tested the enamal and said it was strong, and noted that some of the discoloration is just from having braces (don't get me started on my orthodontist lol). He even said to just keep doing what I'm doing.  When I told him that I still had my wisdom teeth, he even made a joke about how that means i'll be wise and said he'd only recommend i remove them if the x-ray showed they were actually causing problems.  Needless to say, this sort of positive reenforcement had me on "cloud atlas #9", and I didn't even mind the various discomforts inherent to teeth cleaning. All I could think about was how excited I was to tell alison that the dentist said my teeth looked good.  Next thing you know I was done with the dental chair and into the x-ray room.  He had me put on a lead jacket thing and we joked about doing pull ups with it on, and then took the x-rays and I was done.  It was the most pleasant dental experience i've ever had, and I never got yelled at.  You could even say it made me smile :-)

The Love Song of A. MacDonald, Dishman

To get full enjoyment, you should refresh your memory of TS Eliot's "The Love Song of Alred Prufrock".

 The Love Song of A. MacDonald, Dishman (2012)

Let us go then, you and I,

When the dishes are piled far and high

Like envelopes spread out upon a table

Let us go, through certain half rinsed out eats,

The forgotten treats

Of restless nights with Ben and Jerry bowls

And food from restaurants (or just Spaghettios)

Eats that follow with a curious scent

Of ravenous intent

To lead to an overwhelming question…

Oh, do not ask “Can I finish it?”

Let’s just call and have’m deliver it

In the sink the dishes come and go

Smelling of food from long ago.

The yellow sponge that rubs its back upon the pots’n’plates

The yellow sponge that rubs its muzzle upon the pots’n’plates

Licked its tongue into the corners of the strainer

Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,

Let fall upon its back the suds that fall from cutlery

Slipped by the faucet, made a sudden leap,

And seeing that it was a soft overhead light

Curled once about the puddles and fell asleep

In the sink the dishes come and go

Smelling of food from long ago.

And indeed there will be time

For the yellow sponge that slides along the eats

Rubbing its back upon the crusted plates;

There will be time, there will be time

To prepare a solution for the plates that you will meet;

There will be time to scrub and time to grate,

And time for all the work of those pruny hands

That lift and drop more detergent on the plate;

Time for spoons and time for knives,

And time yet for a hundred indecisions

And for a hundred rinses and re-rinses

Before they’re ready for toast and tea

And indeed there will be time

To wonder, “Do I dare?” and “Do I dare?”

Time to turn back and descend the stair,

With a bald spot in the middle of my hair-

(They already say: “How his hair is growing thin!”)

My morning breath, and the stains decorating my washing apron,

The smells rich and grotesque, but lessened by a simple fan-

(They will say: “But how his arms and legs are buff”)

Do I dare

Disturb the kitchen sink?

In a minute there is time

For rinses and re-rinses which a single meal will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all;

Have known the saucers, plates and spoons,

(I have spent my whole my morning with dirty spoons)

I know the plates when they are stacked up tall

Beneath the mugs from the living room.

So, how should I presume?

And I have known the knives already, known them all-

Knives that fix me in a dreadful gaze,

And when I am scrubbing and scorching in the sink,

Then how should I begin

To get the grrrdew off the pots and plates

And how should I presume?

And I have known the bowls already, known them all-

Bowls that are cleaned and white and bare

(But in the overhead light, traces of milk that once was there)

Is it the perfume from the trash

That makes me so digress?

Bowls that lie along a table, or wrap about a counter-top.

And should I then presume?

And how should I begin?

Shall I say, I have washed at dusk the crusted-through eats

And watched the steam that rises from the pipes

Of the dishwasher, breezing out of the windows?...

I should have been a pair of clean sponges

Scrubbing across the remnants of old pastries.

And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully,

Smoothed by pruny finders,

Asleep…tired…but the dishes linger

Stretched out on the counter, there beside the faucet and sink.

Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,

Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?

But though I have washed and cleaned, washed and dried,

Though I have cleaned all our dishes (grown slightly rusted), even our platter,

I am no prophet-and here’s no great matter;

I have seen the moment of cleanliness flicker,

And I have seen the guests hold their plates, and snicker,

And in short, I was afraid.

 And would it have been worth it, after all,

After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,

The nice porcelain, among some talk of you and me

Would it have been worthwhile

To have started the dishes with a smile,

To have squeezed the grime out of the sponge

To squeeze it toward some overwhelming question,

To say: “I am Amac, come from the sink,

Come back to tell you, and I shall tell you all:

Please rinse out your dishes so they don't stink.

That is it, that is all”

 And would it have been worth it, after all,

Would it have been worthwhile

After the casserole and the cookies and the sprinkled treats,

After the beers, after the teacups, after the drops that trail along the floor-

And this, and so much more?-

It is impossible to say just what I mean!

But as if a magic sponge cleans the grimy patterns off a grill:

Would it have been worthwhile

If one, rinsing a pot or wiping a pan,

And turning toward the window, should say:

 That is not it at all,

That is not how you clean, at all.”

No! I am not a Prince of Pipes, nor was meant to be;

I am an average man, one who is happy to

To fill the sink, scrub a dish or two

Advise the Plumber, “that’s grout, here, use your tool”

Deferential, glad to be of use,

Politic, cautious, not too meticulous;

Full of brute force, but a bit obtuse;

At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—

Almost, at times, pretty cool.

It grows mold…it grows mold

I shall wear the sleeves of my shirt rolled.

Shall I wash my hands?  Do I dare to eat a peach?

I shall wear my washing apron, and pretend I’m on a beach.

I have dreamed of maids to wash our dishes, each and each.

I do not think they will wash for me.

I have seen them scrubing thoroughly on the plates,

Combing the white bubbles of the soap blown back

When the faucet blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sink

With dishes wreathed with pasta sauce red and brown

Till a dishwasher saves us, or we’ll frown.

The Four Seasons

As a sophisticated gentlemen, I was just singing the tune to Vivaldi's Four Seasons while I showered.  For me, Art equals inspiration (one cannot always know the path of that inspiration, but true Art will always beckon one to embark on a journey!), and the dueling violins sparked this blogpost about the seasons.  I've been reading a fair amount of offseason (so to speak lol) basketball and football power rankings, so I'll be ranking the seasons in order of tightness.  Here we go:

1. Fall is obviously the tightest season.  Football rules, jumping in leaves is fun, and  the weather is crisper than a well starched shirt.  Also, stores sell fresh pumpkin pies, it's good grilling weather, nature is just bursting with color, and everything generally rules.  Now, some may argue that fall brings the start of school, but that eventually goes away, and school can be fun too because the world is so full of interesting things--just don't take math classes and you'll be fine. Also, my birthday occurs in the fall, and that's always a good time.  Frankly, there's no down side to fall.  Even toward the end is tight because it means people don't give me as many strange looks when I sing christmas colonels.

2a Spring is the second best season.  Obviously March MAdness is sick, and spring also has St. Patrick's Day (hater's may hate, but it's my fav holiday).  Spring also means thunderstorms, and those are cool (unless I'm in an open field with no cover lol).  It's also nice to put my jacket away for the year--I don't particularly mind wearing a jacket (or even cold weather), but it's a nuisance to have to take it off when I go inside and then try to remember to bring it with me from place to place.  So, spring has that going for it.  Also golf.

2b. Winter is tied with spring for second best season--it depends on how you count March (if March is winter then winter is hands down better).  Now, a lot of n00bs will disagree and put winter last, so let me defend it.  First off, it's better to have cold weather than hot weather, since you can bundle up and be fine, whereas there's no relief from heat.  Second, winter has better holidays, e.g. superbowl sunday, new years, and christmas--that means both presents and time off work.  In fact, even if you don't take off work, everyone else does, which means that you don't really have to do anything at the office.  Moreover, there's always a chance for snowdays in winter.  Also, winter has one of the greatest sports times of the year (when football and college basketball overlap).  Also too, I can sing christmas colonels to my heart's content.

4. Summer is the worst season.  I like to focus on the positive, and there are some tight things about summer.  For example, it's the best time to go on waterslides and/or swim in the ocean.  For my young fans, it means that school is out.  Some of my best times have been during the summer (e.g. summer 05, from what I recall).  That said, there are some real downsides to summer.  Mostly, I hate the heat.  I usually take like 5 cold showers a day in the summer, and i'm still just physically uncomfortable most of the time.  OBviously air conditioning mitigates this, but even the AC is kind of annoying, what with all the noise and unnatural air streams.  Summer is also the dark ages of sports.  I've tried, but i just can't get in to baseball, so i'm stuck reading stupid off season football and basketball speculation.  Also, the heat sucks.

So, those are my definitive rankings of the seasons. Maybe my fans can help me decide between spring and winter for #2.

Cosi Fan Tutte, or, non-dudes are like that

What's good blog fans--An Evening at the Opera with Amac is back! I know everyone's probably dying to hear about the rest of the Ring cycle (since I reviewed the first one a while ago), but I haven't gotten around to seeing the rest of them. Maybe later. I'm actually a much bigger fan of the Buffa style than the Wagner stuff. And so, last night @alison and i saw Mozart's Cosi Fan Tutte, which is Italian for Non-dudes are like that.

The original version (premeired 1790 in Vienna if you didn't already know) was set in Naples in the late 18th century, but the production we saw was set in contemporary Washington DC. I was pleasantly surprised with this little twist. Going in, I would have thought the Naples setting would be tight, since you all know how I like archaic language and period costumes, plus I've been to Naples so I could lord over @alison and the people sitting next to us with my superior knowledge about that city. But, I think the contemporary setting actually enhanced the evening, for reasons I'll get in to l8r.

The basic plot is that these two dudes are bragging to their boss, Don Alfonso (what a tight name, btw), that their lady-friends would never cheat on them. Don Alfonso must've gone through some tough relationships, because he thinks all women are fickle and would switch to new dudes rather easily. So, Don Alfonso and the two main characters (I dn't remember their names-something Italian but neither had a name as cool as Don Alfonso, so I'll just call them Bill and Ted) place a bet, whereby Bill and Ted will pretend that they've been called off to war, then dress up like Albanians and try to woo each other's betrothed. Needless to say, hijinks ensue.

The best part of the opera is definetely when Bill and Ted first start wooing the ladies in their disguises. In the contemporary DC-area version, Bill and Ted are not supposed to be Albanians, but instead dress like Todd from Beavis and Butthead, and the ladies (we'll call them Erynn and Gerty) think they're from Adams Morgan. When the ladies rebuff their initial pick up lines, Bill and Ted play the whisker card: in the best song of the show, they sing about their mustaches, and how whiskers measure a man's virtue, strength, dexterity, and wit. It was a rousing number, and convinced me not to shave or trim for several days. You're welcome, @alison.

Like many women have done throughout history, Erynn and Gerty are unable to resist the mustaches, and decide to marry the disguised Bill and Ted. Don Alfonso hires their personal assistant (a maid in the original) to dress up like a lawyer and forge a marriage contract. Just as they sign the contract, Don Alsonso "gets word" that Bill and Ted are coming home from the war a bit early. Erynn and Gerty tell the disguised Bill and Ted to go hide...so they go to another room and then come out of their disguises and everyone laughs out loud at the confusion. Though they were initially mad at the girls for so quickly marrying 2 dudes from Adams Morgan, they just decide to sing "Cosi Fan Tutte" (women are like that lol).

Overall it was a fun opera. The music had a lot of dueling woodwinds (reminded me of mornings at the pinecone...dueling winds lol), and the guy who played Don Alfonso was pretty funny. I also liked the dynamic w/ the two guys--I imagine this opera was an influence for later two-guy duos such as Beavis and Butthead, Bill and Ted, and Wayne and Garth. It's a good show, especiallyif you like mustaches.

T-Rob, Lord of Hoops and King of Dunks

What's good blog fans, sorry for the delays. I've been pretty busy with retirement, wedding planning (yeahbuddy) then coming out of retirement, etc. But this morning on the treadmill, I had my greatest inspiration since October (when I was inspired to sing Bear Necesseties (sp?) at the Jazzhous lol). I was listening to Handel's Messiah when I realized that, with a few slight adjustments, the lyrics could be about Thomas Robinson--his promise as a recruit, his glorious arrival, his trials on the bench for foul trouble, and a prophesy that he will ultimately lead the Jayhawks to a national title. Behold, I give you: Thomas Robinson, Lord of Hoops and King of Dunks:

Handel's Messiah Comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God. Speak ye comfortably to Jerusalem, and cry untoher, that her warfare is accomplished, that her iniquity is pardoned. The voice of him that crieth in the wilderness; prepare ye the way of the Lord; make straight in the desert a highway for our God. Ev'ry valley shall be exalted, and ev'ry moutain and hill made low; the crooked straight and the rough places plain. And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together: for the mouth of the Lord hath spoken it. Thus saith the Lord, the Lord of hosts: Yet once a little while and I will shake the heavens and the earth, the sea and the dry land. And I will shake all nations; and the desire of all nations shall come. The Lord, whom ye seek, shall suddenly come to His temple, even the messenger of the Covenant, whom you delight in; behold, He shall come, saith the Lord of hosts. But who may abide the day of His coming, and who shall stand when He appeareth? For He is like a refiner's fire. And He shall purify the sons of Levi, that they may offer unto the Lord an offering in righteousness. Behold, a virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and shall call His name Emmanuel, God with us. O thou that tellest good tidings to Zion, get thee up into the high mountain. O thou that tellest good tidings to Jerusalem, lift up thy voice with strength; lift it up, be not afraid; say unto the cities of Judah, behold your g od! Arise, shine, for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee. For behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people; but the Lord shall arise upon thee, and His glory shall be seen upon thee. And the Gentiles shall come to thy light, and kings to the brightness of thy rising. The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light; and they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined. For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given, and the government shall be upon His shoulder; and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, the mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace. There were shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them: "Fear not, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord." And suddenly there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying: "Glory to God in the highest, and peace on earth, good will towards men." Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion; shout, O daughter of Jerusalem! Behold, thy King cometh unto thee; He is the righteous Saviour, and He shall speak peace unto the heathen. Then shall the eyes of the blind be opened, and the ears of the deaf unstopped. Then shall the lame man leap as an hart, and the tongue of the dumb shall sing. He shall feed His flock like a shepherd; and He shall gather the lambs with His arm, and carry them in His bosom, and gently lead those that are with young. Come unto Him, all ye that labour, come unto Him that are heavy laden, and He will give you rest. Take his yoke upon you, and learn of Him, for He is meek and lowly of heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls. His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. PART TWO Behold the Lamb of God, that taketh away the sin of the world. He was despised and rejected of men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. He gave His back to the smiters, and His cheeks to them that plucked off His hair: He hid not His face from shame and spitting. Surely He hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows! He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon Him. (Isaiah 53: 4-5) And with His stripes we are healed. (Isaiah 53: 5) All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way. And the Lord hath laid on Him the iniquity of us all. (Isaiah 53: 6) All they that see Him laugh Him to scorn; they shoot out their lips, and shake their heads, saying: "He trusted in God that He would deliver Him; let Him deliver Him, if He delight in Him." (Psalm 22: 8) Thy rebuke hath broken His heart: He is full of heaviness. He looked for some to have pity on Him, but there was no man, neither found He any to comfort him. (Psalm 69: 20) Behold, and see if there be any sorrow like unto His sorrow. (Lamentations 1: 12) He was cut off out of the land of the living: for the transgressions of Thy people was He stricken. (Isaiah 53: 8) But Thou didst not leave His soul in hell; nor didst Thou suffer Thy Holy One to see corruption. (Psalm 16: 10) Lift up your heads, O ye gates; and be ye lift up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of Glory shall come in. Who is this King of Glory? The Lord strong and mighty, The Lord mighty in battle. Lift up your heads, O ye gates; and be ye lift up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of Glory shall come in. Who is this King of Glory? The Lord of Hosts, He is the King of Glory. (Psalm 24: 7-10) Unto which of the angels said He at any time: "Thou art My Son, this day have I begotten Thee?"(Hebrews 1: 5) Let all the angels of God worship Him. (Hebrews 1: 6) Thou art gone up on high; Thou hast led captivity captive, and received gifts for men; yea, even from Thine enemies, that the Lord God might dwell among them. (Psalm 68: 18) The Lord gave the word; great was the company of the preachers. (Psalm 68: 11) How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things. (Isaiah 52: 7; Romans 10: 15) Their sound is gone out into all lands, and their words unto the ends of the world. (Romans 10: 18; Psalm 19: 4) Why do the nations so furiously rage together, and why do the people imagine a vain thing? The kings of the earth rise up, and the rulers take counsel together against the Lord, and against His anointed. (Psalm 2: 1-2) Let us break their bonds asunder, and cast away their yokes from us. (Psalm 2: 3) He that dwelleth in Heav'n shall laugh them to scorn; The Lord shall have them in derision. (Psalm 2: 4) Thou shalt break them with a rod of iron; thou shalt dash them in pieces like a potter's vessel. (Psalm 2: 9) Hallelujah: for the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth. (Revelation 19: 6) The kingdom of this world is become the kingdom of our Lord, and of His Christ; and He shall reign for ever and ever. King of Kings, and Lord of Lords. (Revelation 19: 16) Hallelujah! PART THREE I know that my Redeemer liveth, and that He shall stand at the latter day upon the earth. And though worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God. (Job 19: 25-26) For now is Christ risen from the dead, the first fruits of them that sleep. (I Corinthians 15: 20) Since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive. (I Corinthians 15: 21-22) Behold, I tell you a mystery; we shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. (I Corinthians 15: 51-52) The trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption and this mortal must put on immortality. (I Corinthians 15: 52-53) Then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: "Death is swallowed up in victory." (I Corinthians 15: 54) O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. (I Corinthians 15: 55-56) But thanks be to God, who giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (I Corinthians 15: 57) If God be for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8: 31) Who shall lay anything to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth, who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is at the right hand of God, who makes intercession for us. (Romans 8: 33-34) Worthy is the Lamb that was slain, and hath redeemed us to God by His blood, to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honour, and glory, and blessing. Blessing and honour, glory and power, be unto Him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb, for ever and ever. Amen.

Amac's T-Rob Comfort ye, comfort ye my fans, saith your Coach. Speak ye comfortably to Lawrence, and cry unto her, that her Championship is accomplished, that her upsets are pardoned. The voice of him that crieth in the Fieldhouse; prepare ye the way of the Forward; make straight in the desert a highway for our MVP. Ev'ry dunk shall be exalted, and ev'ry wildcat and tiger made low; the bricks swishes and the layups dunks. And the glory of theT-Rob shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together: for the mouth of the Coach hath spoken it. Thus saith the Lord, the Lord of Hoops: Yet once a little while and I will shake the backboard and the court, the rim and the basket. And I will shake all backboards; and the championship of the nation shall come. The Player, whom ye seek, shall suddenly come to Allen Fieldhouse, even the messenger of the scholarship, whom you delight in; behold, He shall dunk, saith the Lord of hoops. But who may abide the day of His dunking, and who shall stand when He ariseth? For He is like a refiner's fire. And He shall posterize the players of Haith, that they may offer unto Coach Self an offering in basketball. Behold, Brewster Academy shall conceive and bear a power forward, and shall call His name T-Rob, dunks be with him. O thou that tellest good tidings to Kansas, get thee up into the Fieldhouse. O thou that tellest good tidings to Lawrence, lift up thy voice with strength; lift it up, be not afraid; say unto the cities of Kansas, behold your star! Arise, cheer, for thy light is come, and the glory of Kansas is risen upon thee. For behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness of Missouri ; but T-Rob shall dunk upon thee, and His glory shall be seen upon thee. And the Tigers shall flee to the SEC, and Jayhawks to the brightness of the Big 12. The people that walked in championships have seen a great light; and they that dwell in the land of the shadow of Manning, upon them hath the light shined. For unto us a star is starting, unto us a forward is given, and the team shall be upon His shoulder; and His name shall be called Dunkasaurus, All-American, the mighty T-Rob, the Nation’s Top Rebounder, the Prince of Dunks. There were rabid fans abiding in the fieldhouse, keeping watch over his dunks of might. And lo, Coach Self came upon them, and the glory of T-Rob shone round about them, and they were sore impressed. And Coach Self said unto them: "Fear not, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all KU fans. For unto you is starting born this day in the Fieldhouse of Allen a Saviour, which is Thomas Robinson." And suddenly there was a Jayhawk, a multitude of KU fans, praising Kansas, and saying: "Glory to Kansas in the highest, and dunks on Mizzou, good playing as a team." Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Larryville; shout, O daughter of Lawrence! Behold, thy T-Rob cometh unto thee; He is the righteous rebounder, and He shall speak smack unto the heathen. Then shall the arms of Merv be opened, and the ears of the Tigers go deaf. Then shall the fans man leap as an hart, and the Rock Chalk chant shall sing. Tyshawn shall feed His big men like a shepherd; and T-Rob shall gather the rebounds with His arm, and outlet pass to his guards, and greatly lead a fast break. Pass unto Him, all ye that dribble, pass unto Him that are short, and He will give you dunks. Take his yoke upon you, and lean on Him, for He is strong and lowly of the post, and ye shall find wins unto your record. His dunks are easy, and His boards are tight. PART TWO Behold the Power Forward, that taketh away the balls from the rim. He was despised and fouled by opponents, a man of dunks and acquainted with the rim. He gave His back to the smiters, and His elbows to them that plucked at the ball: He hid not His face from shame and spitting. Surely He hath borne our team, and carried our offense! He was wounded for our turnoverss, He was bruised for our bricks; the chastisement of our poor play was upon Him. (Isaiah 53: 4-5) And with His dunks we are healed. (Isaiah 53: 5) All we like balls have gone astray; we have turn-overs in every game. And the Coach hath laid on the team the iniquity of us all. (Isaiah 53: 6) All they that guard Him fear Him to scorn; they shoot out their lips, and shake their heads, saying: "He trusted in Coach that He would play Him; let Him dunk on them, if He delight in Him." (Psalm 22: 8) Thy referees hath broken His heart: He is full of heaviness. He looked for some to have pity on Him, but there was no man, neither found He any to comfort him. (Psalm 69: 20) Behold, and see if there be any sorrow like unto His sorrow. (Lamentations 1: 12) He was cut off out of the court of the playing: for the fouls of Thy team was He stricken. (Isaiah 53: 8) But Coach didst not leave His star on the bench; nor didst Thou suffer Thy Dunking One to see the bench. (Psalm 16: 10) Lift up your heads, O ye fans; and be ye lift up, ye everlasting voices; and the King of Dunks shall come in. Who is this King of Dunks? T-Rob strong and mighty, T-Rob mighty in basketball. Lift up your heads, O ye fans; and be ye lift up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of Dunks shall jam it. Who is this King of Dunks? The Lord of Hoops, He is the King of Dunks. (Psalm 24: 7-10) Unto which of the players said Coach Self at any time: "Thou art Power Forward, this day have I started Thee?"(Hebrews 1: 5) Let all the fans of Kansas cheer Him. (Hebrews 1: 6) Thou art gone up on high; Thou hast blocked out, and rebounded balls for KU; yea, even from Thine enemies, that the team might dwell on offense. (Psalm 68: 18) The Coach gave the word; great was the play for a lob. (Psalm 68: 11) How beautiful are the feet of them that alley-oop, and bring great dunks and highlights. Their sound is gone out into all lands, and their words unto the ends of the conference. (Romans 10: 18; Psalm 19: 4) Why do the teams so furiously rage together, and why do the fans imagine a vain thing? The teams of the conference rise up, and the coaches take counsel together against Bill Self, and against His all-American. (Psalm 2: 1-2) Let us break their hopes asunder, and cast away their yokes from us. (Psalm 2: 3) He that dwelleth in Lawrence shall laugh them to scorn; T-Rob shall have them in derision. (Psalm 2: 4) T-Rob shalt break them with a vicious dunk; thou shalt dash them in pieces like a potter's vessel. (Psalm 2: 9) Hallelujah: for the Lord of Dunks makes it reigneth. (Revelation 19: 6) The Championship of this conference is become the Championship of the Nation, and T-Rob Player-of-the-Year, and He shall make it rain for ever and ever. King of Hoops, and Lord of Dunks. (Revelation 19: 16) Hallelujah! PART THREE I know that my T-Rob playeth, and that He shall start at the latter day of the Final Four. And though teams may score on his body, yet in March Madness hall I see victory. (Job 19: 25-26) For now is T-Rob risen from the floor, and first dunks on them that sleep. (I Corinthians 15: 20) Since by man came defense, by T-Rob came also the dunking on the defense. For as in Tyshawn come assists, also so from dunks shall T-Rob be made MVP. (I Corinthians 15: 21-22) Behold, I tell you a mystery; Amac shall not sleep, but shall stay awake til midnight, with no blinking of an eye, at the Final Four. (I Corinthians 15: 51-52) The buzzer shall sound, and the nets shall be cut down, and we shall be champions. For the ball must put on the floor and this dunk must be put through the rim. (I Corinthians 15: 52-53) Then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: "Kansas is swallowed up in victory." (I Corinthians 15: 54) O loss, where is thy sting? O MU, where is thy victory? The sting of loss is no more, and the strength of KU is dunking. (I Corinthians 15: 55-56) But thanks be to Coach Self, who giveth us the victory through our MVP Thomas Robinson. (I Corinthians 15: 57) If T-Rob be for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8: 31) Who dares call a charge of KU’s elect? It is KU that dunketh, who is he that defends? It isT-Rob who dunked, yea rather, that is risen again, who is at the top side of the rim, who makes it rain for us. (Romans 8: 33-34) Worthy is T-Rob who has dunked, and hath redeemed us to Kansas by His blood, to receive power, and riches, and an NBA contract and strength, and honour, and glory, and blessing. Blessing and honour, glory and power, be unto Him that dunketh above the rim, and unto the Jayhawks, for ever and ever. Amen.